Wizard Family Feud: Episode #1
by EJ Malfoy
Summary: *COMPLETED* This is just a spin-off of the show Family Feud. Get ready to see 2 families battle it out on Wizard Family Feud! R/R please...
1. Part 1

Wizard Family Feud: Episode #1

By E. J. Malfoy

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A/N: This is just a fic I thought up out of nowhere. All of the characters (except Patty Longbottom) will always be of J. K. Rowling.

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Part 1

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Opening title runs "Wizard Family Feud".

Announcer: And here's your host, Patty Longbottom.

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Patty comes out.

Patty: Welcome to Wizard Family Feud. I'm your host, Patty Longbottom. It's the Malfoys (cheering) vs. the Weasleys (cheering). Alright, now let's start the game (applause).

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Lucius and Arthur walk up to podium where Patty is.

Patty: OK, then. We surveyed 100 witches and wizards on… people who scare you.

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Lucius buzzes in first.

Lucius: Muggles.

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The board goes "ding" and shows "Muggles" as No. 4 of the five on the board. It has 15 points beside it.

Patty: Now, Arthur. You still have a chance to beat him. What do you think the No. 1 is?

Arthur: (hesitantly) You-Know-Who.

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People in audience gasp and say "good answer". The board goes "ding" and "You-Know Who" shows as No. 1 with 58 points behind it. Weasley family cheers. Arthur goes back to where his family is. Lucius curses the thought of Voldemort being No. 1 to himself and goes back to where his family is. Patty goes over to Weasley family.

Patty: Nicely done, Arthur. Now introduce us to your family.

Arthur: This is my more than humble wife, Molly (points to Molly); one of my sons, Ron (points at Ron); and his friends Harry Potter and Hermione Granger (points at Harry and Hermione).

Audience: (whispers) Harry Potter, the real Harry Potter.

Harry: Oh, come on, now. I've been alive for, what is it, 14 years. I think that the "Is it really Harry Potter" epidemic should be over by now.

Ron and Hermione: I agree (both giggle after they say it)

Patty: While we're at it. Let's meet the Malfoy family.

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Patty walks over to Malfoys.

Patty: Lucius, introduce your family.

Lucius: This is my lovely wife, Narcissa (points at Narcissa); my son Draco (points at Draco); and his friends Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle (points at Crabbe and Goyle).

Patty: OK, then. Let's get back to the game.

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Patty goes back over to Weasleys.

Patty: Molly, tell me who scares you.

Molly: Oh, goodness. Well, how about Sirius Black.

Patty: Sirius Black. OK, let's see if he's on the board.

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The board goes "ding" and shows "Sirius Black" as No. 3 with 27 points behind it.

Patty: Very good. Moving on, now. Ron, who scares you?

Ron: I don't know if I should say this out loud. (Whispers answer in Patty's ear)

Patty: Serverus Snape?

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The board goes "ding" and "Serverus Snape" shows up as No. 5 with 7 points behind it.

Patty: Highly unusual. I would have never guessed. Moving along, now. Harry, who scares you?

Harry: I guess three-headed dogs.

Patty: Three-headed dogs?

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The board goes "buzz" and "X" is shown.

Patty: Sorry. That's not one. Moving along, now. Hermeone, who scares you?

Hermione: (grumbles) It's Hermione! Her-my-own-e! Get it right!

Patty: Sorry, Hermione. I'll do better next time. Now, can you please answer the question?

Hermione: I would love to. How about gnomes?

Patty: Let's see if "gnomes" is up there.

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The board goes "buzz" and "XX" is shown.

Patty: Sorry. "Gnomes" isn't up there.

Draco: (from other side) Ha ha. The smart girl doesn't get one.

Hermione: Malfoy, I'm gonna go over there and stick your face up your…

Patty: Hey, this isn't "Family Duel". It's "Family Fuel", I mean, "Family Feud". Now, we are going back to Arthur. Arthur, you have one strike left. What's your answer going to be?

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Arthur thinks and thinks. After a few seconds, the time buzzer goes "buzz". The board shows "XXX"

Patty: Sorry, Arthur. Time ran out. Now, we will go over to the Malfoys.

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Patty goes over to the Malfoys, who are blowing raspberries at the Weasleys.

Patty: OK, Lucius. You only have one try at this. What do you think No. 2 is?

Lucius: Albus Dumbledore.

Patty: Oh, God. Oh, well. Is it Albus Dumbledore? (Whispers) Which I seriously doubt.

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The board goes "buzz" and shows "X".

Patty: It looks as if the Weasleys have earned the 107 points from the board and are in the lead.

Narcissa: I knew that was a bad answer, honey. I told you to use Arthur Weasley.

Draco: No you should have used Harry Potter. Aren't I right Crabbe and Goyle?

Crabbe and Goyle: Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh…

Draco: Why do I have you as friends?

Narcissa: Draco, everyone loves Harry Potter. Saying that would be stupid.

Draco: Don't call me stupid, Mom!

Lucius: Your mother has a right to call you stupid, young man. So be stupid and like it.

Narcissa: Oh, just shut up, Lucius.

Crabbe and Goyle: Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh…

Lucius, Narcissa, and Draco: Shut up!

Patty: We'll be right back after these commercial messages. Meanwhile, we'll try to get this down.


	2. Part 2

Wizard Family Feud: Episode #1

By E. J. Malfoy

Part 2

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"Wizard Family Feud" is shown.

Patty: And we're back. As you know, the Weasleys have 107 points and the Malfoys are still looking for some. Now, let's get back to the game.

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Molly and Narcissa go up to the podium.

Patty: All right. We surveyed 100 witches and wizards on…their favorite candies.

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Narcissa buzzes in first.

Narcissa: Jelly Slugs.

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The board goes "ding" and "Jelly Slugs" appears as No. 3 of the four with 22 points behind it.

Patty: OK, Molly. You have a chance at getting the No. 1 choice.

Molly: OK, then. May I floo a friend?

Patty: No.

Molly: Poll the audience?

Patty: Uh-uh.

Molly: 50-50?

Patty: (angrily) Mrs. Weasley! This is not "Who wants to be a Galleonaire", so please give an answer!

Molly: Well! You don't have to be so mean. I'll just say Gummy Wizards.

Patty: Finally! Is "Gummy Wizards" up there?

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The board goes "buzz".

Patty: I guess we're going with the Malfoys this round.

Molly: (whispering) I happen to like "Who wants to be a Galleonaire".

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Patty walks with Narcissa over to the Malfoys side. Molly walks angrily to the Weasleys side.

Patty: All right. Draco, you're next. Name a favorite candy.

Draco: There are so many. I don't know which to choose.

Lucius: Just pick a candy, damn it.

Narcissa: Stop it, honey. Remember what the producer said while the commercials were running.

Lucius: Oh, right.

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Lucius winks at the producer. The producer giggles.

Narcissa: No, not that. The other thing.

Lucius: Ohhhhh…OK. Go on, son.

Draco: How about Pumpkin Pasties?

Patty: Is "Pumpkin Pasties" up there?

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The board goes "ding" and shows "Pumpkin Pasties" as No. 4 with 16 points.

Draco: Ha! I did better than hero-boy and smart-girl! I rock!

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Draco does a touchdown dance.

Patty: Hey! No gloating.

Harry: Yeah, no gloating, Malfoy.

Hermione: You shouldn't gloat anyway. I know what that foul odor coming from over there is…

Draco: Hey! It's not my fault I haven't bathed in 3½ months. I wish you would just…

Patty: Just stop it! We're wasting time. Now, let's get back to the game. Vincent, you're next.

Crabbe: Please call me doufus, I mean, Crabbe.

Patty: (looking at him strangely) Okay, Crabbe. Name a favorite candy.

Crabbe: I personally like Cockroach Clusters.

Patty: Ewe. You give me the creeps.

Crabbe: Thanks.

Draco: She said that you're weird, Einstein.

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The board says "Ewe" and goes "buzz" and shows "X".

Draco: I can't believe I brought you guys here. You both know absolutely nothing. Your IQs put together equal less than that of a drugged dumbass.

Goyle: What's your point?

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Malfoy rubs down his face with his hands and beats his head on the wall behind them.

Patty: I can't believe I'm doing this, but name a favorite candy of yours Gregory, or should I call you Goyle.

Goyle: Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh…

Patty: Goyle? Goyle? Mr. Goyle, are you there?

Goyle: Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh…

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The board goes "buzz" and shows "XX"

Patty: Uh…oh, darn. I think we ran out of time. Time to go back to you Lucius.

Lucius: But…but I don't know anything about candy.

Patty: Suck it up son and answer.

Lucius: How about Lock-lip Lollypops.

Patty: Lock-lip Lollys?

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The board goes "buzz" and shows "XXX".

Patty: Sorry. Looks like the Weasleys have a chance.

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Patty walks over to the Weasleys side.

Patty: Mr. Weasley, you have one chance. What will it be?

Arthur: Chocolate Nutty Buddies.

Patty: Chocolate Nutty Buddies???

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The board goes "buzz".

Patty: Looks like the Malfoys have gotten this round with 38 points.

Draco: Looks like your family will be the losers!

Weasley People: Oh yeah!

Malfoy People: Yeah!

Hermione: That's it.

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Hermione starts fighting Draco. The others from the Malfoys and Weasleys join in.

Audience: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Patty: This isn't Jerry Springer!

Audience: Patty! Patty! Patty!

Patty: We'll be right back after these commercial messages, and a couple hundred bandages, too.


	3. Part 3

Wizard Family Feud: Episode #1

Wizard Family Feud: Episode #1

By EJ Malfoy

Part 3

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"Wizard Family Feud" is shown. Patty is at the podium, a few bandages on her head.

Patty: All right. We're back to this riviting game of Wizard Family Feud. As you might have noticed, Ms. Hermione Granger is not out here. We had to take her out of here, as she was too crazy.

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Suddenly, Hermione comes running out of stage right.

Hermione: I'm free! I'm free! Muahahahahahaha!!

Guard: There she is! Get Her!!

Hermione: You'll never catch me!

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Hermione runs off, with the guards running after her with a straight jacket.

Draco: I knew Hermione would go crazy, the dumb Mudblood.

Harry: Malfoy, If you don't shut your trap right now, I'm going take a chair, turn that thing side-ways, and stick it up your candy…

Patty: (interrupting) RETURNING TO THE GAME, we have our last round before the Mega round. Could Ron and Draco PLEASE get up here!

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Ron and Draco go up to the podium, muttering as they do. The board has only three answers.

Patty: Thank you. Now, we surveyed 100 witches and wizards…on how long this show will air anymore. Hey…

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Draco buzzes in first.

Draco: With my luck, it will be off after this show.

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The board goes "ding" and shows "After this show" as No. 1 with 56 points after it.

Draco: Ah, yes. This shows how much smarter I am…

Patty: Put a sock in it and go to your side!

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Draco and Patty go over to the Malfoy's side. Ron goes over to the Weasley's side, snorting.

Patty: Alright, Crabbe. Let's see if you can make an intelligent answer for the first time in your miserable life.

Crabbe: Duh…okay. One second after this show.

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The board goes "ding" and shows "1 sec After show" with 13 points behind it.

Patty: Wow! We just saw history! Crabbe just said something intelligent.

Draco: Big whoop! It's not like he said anything I wouldn't have said.

Ron: Yeah, that's REALLY TRUE…

Draco: Don't make me start on you…

Lucius: Stop it the both of you!

Ron and Draco: Shut up!

Molly: Ron, I'm surprised! In front of all these people…

Ron: Mum, like you didn't embarress us already? Floo a friend, huh…

Molly: Now, you listen here…

Crabbe: Duh, duh, you're dumb.

Goyle: No, you're dumb.

Crabbe: No, you're dumb.

Goyle: No, you're dumb.

Harry: You're both dumber than dirt, so shut up!

Crabbe and Goyle: Ok.

Draco: Hey! They're my goons! I'll say if they're dumb or not!

Harry: Don't get me started on whose dumb around here…

Draco: Look whose talking…

Patty: THAT'S IT!!!

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Patty pulls out her wand.

Patty: ALL RIGHT! THE NEXT PERSON TO BICKER WILL BE CRUCIO-ED! GOT IT!

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Everyone stops bickering and stands straight.

Patty: Now, Goyle. What's the answer to the question?

Goyle: Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, fish heads.

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The board goes "buzz" and shows an "X". Patty whips her wand at Goyle and says "Crucio!" Goyle gets hit and falls back on the ground twitching.

Patty: Looks like the game switches over to the other side.

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Patty goes over to the Weasleys side. All on the Weasleys side are shivering.

Patty: Oops. I just noticed that Hermione was gone.

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Hermione goes running across the stage, the guards behind her.

Patty: Looks like we need a new team member.

Unknown Voice: Well, since we need one, why don't we get one from the audience. George Weasley, come on down! You're the next member of Weasley's side!

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George looks confused in the audience, then gets up and runs down the aisle to next to Harry.

Patty: I wonder why that unknown voice sounds familiar.

George: Look, I didn't expect to get down here.

Patty: Well, now you are Fred, so be here and like it.

George: It's George, not Fred. Didn't you hear the unknown voice that we don't know where came from?

Patty: Anyway, Arthur, you have one chance to get the right answer. TRY!

Arthur: Um…After the next episode?

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The board goes "buzz" and shows a "X".

Patty: Sorry. Looks like the Malfoys get the points. This makes the final score before the Mega Round…oh, no! The score is tied! 107 to 107!

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Both families cheer.

Draco: Looks like we're going to win. 

Ron: No, we are. We've got lots more smarts then you!

Lucius: But we've got lots more money than you!

Molly: Oh, shut up you ugly git!

Narcissa: Are you calling my husband an ugly git?

Molly: No… I'm calling you're whole family ugly gits!

Crabbe and Goyle: Hey! We're not ugly!

Draco: You're not part of the family, dofuses!

Crabbe and Goyle: That's it!

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Crabbe and Goyle gang Draco, making him scream like a little girl.

Patty: We'll be right back after I can get some sense into these people…and some asprin. Ohhhh…


	4. Part 4

Wizard Family Feud: Episode #1

Part 4

Opening title runs "Wizard Family Feud".

Patty Longbottom comes out. The two families sit on their sides with their backs facing each other.

Patty: Hello and welcome to the last and final part of this game. Thank you God! After this I am outta here. We all know that the scores are tied so both families are here. Whoop-di-frikin-do.

Ron: Shut up.

Patty: No you shut up!

Patty pulls out her wand and says a spell, making Ron's mouth clap shut, unable to open.

Draco: Finally! That boy was getting on my nerves!

Patty turns to Draco and does the same to him.

Patty: Now it's going to be my way or the highway, GOT IT!

All of them nod.

Patty: Now pick someone from both of your groups that knows a lot.

Hermione comes running out in the same straight jacket.

Hermione: I know everything and you all know nothing! Muahahahaha!

Hermione runs off. The Weasley family picks Harry. The Malfoy family picks Lucius. They both go to Patty. Patty points her wand at Harry and makes him not be able to hear anything or say anything.

Patty: Alright, Malfoy. You have 15 seconds to answer 5 questions. I get your first answer to each. The time starts with the first question. I don't care if you're ready or not cause I'm starting. What do you do when you go to the beach?

Lucius: I don't go to the beach.

Patty: How many people think you are cool?

Lucius: All of them, or else!

Patty: How many Muggles do you see a day?

Lucius: None.

Patty: When do you eat lunch?

Lucius: Umm

Patty: What is your favorite color?

Lucius: Green.

Patty: Alright. You did it in 11 secs. Whoop-dee-do.

Patty puts the spell to close his mouth and undoes the spell on Harry.

Patty: Alright, kid. Answer these questions. You have 20 seconds.

Narcissa: But Lucius had 15 seconds.

Patty zaps Narcissa making her hair smoke and her mouth close.

Patty: Alright, 15 seconds. Whatever. Time starts when I start. Now! What do you do when you go to the beach.

Harry: I wasn't ready.

Patty: How many people think you are cool?

Harry: All of them, I guess. I am Harry

Patty: How many muggles do you see a day?

Harry: A few maybe.

Patty: When do you eat lunch?

Harry: Umm

Patty: What is your favorite color?

Harry: Blue

Patty: Yeah, yeah, yeah12 seconds. Wow

Lucius' spell gets undone. They all look at the board behind them.

Patty: Okay. For the Malfoy family. The first question: What do you do at the beach? You said: I don't go to the beach. Survey says: (_bzzzzz_) Nothing. Second question: How many people think you are cool? You said: All of them, or else. Survey says: (_bzzzzz_) Nothing. Third question: How many Muggles do you see a day? You said: None. Survey says: (_ding!_) 1 point.

Lucius: Yes! A point!

Patty: DON'T get too happy, Malfoy! Now fourth question: When do you eat lunch? You said: Hmm Survey says: (_bzzzzz_) Nothing. Last, fifth question: What is your favorite color? You said: Green. Survey says: (_ding!_) 5 points. This leaves you with 6 points. Now for you Harry.

Harry: Ok

Patty: Shush your bloody trap! First question: What do you do at the beach? You said: I wasn't ready. Survey says: (_bzzzz_) Nothing. Second question: How many people think you are cool? You said: All of them, I guess. Survey says: (_bzzzz_) Nothing. Third question: How many Muggles do you see a day? You said: A few maybe. Survey says: (_bzzzz_) Nothing.

Crabbe: Ha ha ha! We're gonna win!

Patty: Shut up hussie!!

Patty closes Crabbe's mouth with the same spell.

Patty: Now, fourth question: When do you eat lunch? You said: Hmm Survey says: (_bzzzz_) Nothing. Last, fifth question: What is your favorite color? You said: Blue Survey says: (_ding!_) 6 points. So it seems we havea tie.

Patty starts going crazy on stage.

Patty: Great! A tie! I wonder if it matches my shoes! (_Patty starts jumping around_) Wahoo! Yippie doo! Yowwie! Kooku!

Hermione comes out, still in straightjacket. She comes out jumping around like Bugs Bunny and kisses Patty before jumping off to the side of the stage.

Patty: Wait Hermione!! Kiss me again! I love that feeling! Kiss me!!

Patty goes off after Hermione. All the people on stage look really confused. And go up to the camera pleading to be let home.

Announcer: Umm I guess we're out of time. Just us next time, if there is one, for Wizard Family Feud. Goodnight everybody!

"Wizard Family Feud" is shown with credits and show ends.


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